I hope you find your way to a happier place in life. It comes be hard to try new things, but if what you're doing isn't working you need to keep trying.
I understand it's hard to do stuff for yourself. You spend alllll day doing stuff for other people. Your boss, your family, your friends. At the end of the day you just wanna chill. I've been there for a lot of my life myself. You gotta try for you though.
I wish it wasn't so hard, that we had democracy in the workplace and didn't have so much of our life and energy sucked away so little shitter 1%ers can feel important. Then it would be easier to do stuff for yourself. So you can thrive, not just survive.
So it's not easy, you gotta hero/heroine time this shit and do it anyways for yourself. To find what peace we may while we suffer this way of life. For now.