I learned a lot about life through all that mess though.
I’d forgive her, she’d do it again. She’d say she loved me, then sit up in the bed in the middle of the night and say, “I just don’t love you anymore.” The chaos would start again. I’d go crash with my mom, she’d ask me to come back, then she’d make me leave again after a week or so. This dragged on for about 3 years. The last time I was driving her to work, leaned in to kiss her, seen a mark on her neck. I rolled out, she was fine with that. I met someone else, she lost her damn mind. Ended up being committed, finally settled down with the last guy she cheated with, was diagnosed with breast cancer and died at 33.
Fortunately for her, he is a great dude. He took care of her and stayed by her side through all of that hell. He still maintains an active role in my daughter’s life and he doesn’t have to do that. She’s there now actually. She’s been there for a couple weeks.
I learned that I have control over nothing. Every aspect of my life is one moment away from pure chaos and destruction, so I’m thankful for what I have while I have it. Nothing is promised, nothing is permanent. I find meaning and comfort in exactly this moment and I’m ok with that. When the hard times come, I will survive them until I eventually don’t. That is reality for all of us, I’m not special, and anyone who finds me special will find me special for a time. Believe it or not, I have peace.