the web page essentially accuses me of being a criminal and asks for my bank records. No way in hell.
Yeah don't bother doing that. All that will accomplish is them gathering even more information on you, they rarely/never actually unlock your account & let you use it again. You've been permanently blacklisted on their service, just move on. And honestly you don't need Paypal anyway.
Similar stupid thing happened to me too I think about 10-15 years ago, I was using virtual credit card numbers that my credit card company was generating for me & Paypal thought that was suspicious enough to close my account & permanently blacklist me LOL.
Fun fact: I did learn over the years that I can temporarily create new Paypal account(s) as long as I don't use the same mailing/billing addresses or credit cards/bank accounts. But then it's just a waiting game, they usually figure it out eventually and close the Paypal account yet again.