I don’t think a year has gone by since I was a teenager than I wasn’t painfully aware of myself when in public. It was much worse at 11-16 than it is at 37. But…as a small woman I have been followed in parking lots, into stores, recorded (I started recording back) and just the general less threatening long up-down lascivious staring. My rape experience was in my own bed in my own house in my pajamas. The last tinder date I had before I met my spouse tried to force me into their car. So when people give all sorts of sage advice about ways to avoid it..or like many are saying that it’s rare…I also want to say I don’t know any women who haven’t had an uncomfortable experience. I am incredibly mindful that this behavior is no universal among men, but experience shapes my own behavior. Don’t be mad when we cross the street or say no.
Further, saying no behind closed doors is something even more terrifying. Sometimes I’ve had relations I would not have if I thought I was safe to do so.
Wow the comments here are really poorly informed. Women getting sexually assaulted isn't some rare thing. 1 in 5 women get sexually assaulted in their lifetime and nearly all women have a scary experience. It's not some rare thing that's being drummed up through fear mongering, it's a very real threat all women have to worry about.
Frankly, I don't want to hear the opinions of a bunch of men who never go outside and have no real world experience about the reality of sexual assault.
They are, and we should care more, but women are still 10 times more likely to be assaulted which makes their daily fear far more elevated, and the assaults against men, are still being perpetrated by men, so it doesn't even really change anything.
Plus, we are taught by everyone around us that we should be afraid, except by men who feel like it's more traumatizing to be feared than to actually experience objectification.
When 1 in 5 women experience sexual assault in their lifetime, it's not fear mongering. And that's just sexual assaults. If you include scary experiences of threatening men hitting on them, basically every woman has that experience.
My eyes were shut to this for such an embarrassingly long time. One time while on the phone with my sister she was catcalled/harassed. I could hear it and asked "what the fuck was that?!". She shrugged it off. It was normal to her. The fact that she was so cavalier about it really opened my eyes to how different the female experience is in this world and it breaks my heart.
Girls, feel free to be loud about this (if you feel like it, if course). It's a big deal and (assuming my experience is typical) the men in your life might be clueless to the severity of it.
It's vital that people are aware of the issues and risks they are often blind to but we must be weary of how often these things can be used against us.
While I agree that woman and other vulnerable populations have it far harder to have peace and safety from unsavory types I should point out that I don't think this comic is intentionally trying to play into fear mongering just that it's close and that people need to recognize the signs of sensationalist media trying to exploit fear and insecurities.
I'm a little offended at your inclusion of "Threatening men" I hope you mean that it's men deliberately threatening women as they hit on them not something so shallow as to say that you would include a scary looking man hitting on a woman as sexual assault. I feel that goes too far and is extremely judgemental of appearances sometimes beyond a persons ability to control them.
I'll tell you, as a man who often walks home alone at night, it's never the women I'm scared of. I know how to defend myself, and I'm not small, but I still keep my guard up when I meet a man on my walk home from work.
Yes it's not all men, but it is in the vast majority of cases men, and that merits some sense of caution.
Of course it sucks feelings like you’re intimidating/freaking someone out. It sucks to be in a shop with another woman and it’s clear they are in their heads about all the dangers that I may be for them. I’ve done therapy over that. These feelings are damaging for both parties but I understand the feeling. I’m mot sure what the answer is, is some of the fear irrational? A little bit, sure. Though there is enough data that confirms those bias. So I’m not sure what the answer is, I just think (some from experience) that that type of constant fear is damaging to the psyche but at the same time the fears make sense and can be protective. It’s shit, I hate it. I empathize with both sides but I don’t know what the solution would be.
If nothing else, this thread gave me a new respect for the shit women go through. Sorry, ladies, this is total bullshit.
I honestly didn't expect to see a top comment here with this:
What feminists et al call “the patriarchy” is just the collective of social standards and expectations, which do obviously exist, but the ‘conspiracy theory’ part is in the deliberate anti-male name they use for it
I think I understand what you're saying, but don't discount the point here. I think the author is speaking to the experience of being a woman in a first world society. It's not necessarily always incels that react to women with violence, or the threat.
I have never met a single woman who didn't have their own story of aggressive stalking, sexual assault, or violence. Myself and all my friends and family included.
Yeah it's a mess, there are some proper pigs out there. The comic still feels a bit like somebody hears about child abduction on the media and the punch line is that it's somehow insensitive to suggest to let the kids go to school on their own.
I wouldn't be surprised if more men are victims of this too than one would think, or i got incredibly "lucky". I remember when i was a kid, skateboarding in the city, i would go to the toilet of the main train station if i needed to. There were almost always men masturbating and looking over to me, but i didn't understand back then, although i found it very uncomfortable, the smell of that toilet may have done its part though, haha.
When i was older, going home from the club i used to pass the are of the same train station and it must have been a place for male prostitution at night, i had almost every weekend cars stalking me, randos asking if i wanted to jerk them off or some shit. I didn't feel scared though, which seems a bit weird in hindsight, but i never change my route home.
Later i also got randomly jumped and beat up, out of the blue, in the middle of the night by two guys. That one was actually traumatic and it took me half a year to not think about it anymore.
edit: Reading this again, it kinda has some vibes of downplaying women*s experiences. Just wanted to make clear that was not my intention, i know there's levels to this stuff.
(Walking home at 3am. Crowd of kids under a streetlight, a dozen. Figured there was a party nearby. I'm walking by, say hi, one kid approaches me, says "hey you got a light". I aay "nope". He walks closer and says it again. Then bam, somebody hits me on the head from behind with a bat. I'm out for a couple seconds. Come to with blood everywhere. 2 guys standing over me. One says, "give me your wallet, we know where you live, don't call the cops, we've done this before". So I give them my wallet and they run away down the street. Then I'm sitting there bleeding for a minute. The crowd is watching all this. Then one says, "I guess we should run". Then they all leave. Then I get up and walk a block to a friend's house and call an ambulance.)
Still got the scar.
After that, everybody was a suspect. Everybody I saw got my burning looks.
Well, yes but no. This isn't just about incels and really predates their visible presence online. The for-profit media companies do absolutely profit from "engagement" which they achieve by pushing stories that make people fearful.
However, there is much more to the picture. I didn't understand, myself, when I was younger and it took maturing, listening to women around me, and experience as a supervisor for customer support to get through my skull how fucked up and different the experience is that women have in life. Talk to the women in your life and it is likely that they have experiences feeling threatened by men, being treated as incompetent and belittled by men (especially in technical fields), not having their health and medical symptoms taken seriously, or outright sexually assaulted. They're often taught that they just have to go in with life because this is "normal". The statistics show that over 15% of women and 3% of men in the US gave experienced sexual assault and that's with an estimate of 75% being unreported, so likely a larger number.
TL;DR Yes, corporate media is fucked up but, just because slapping the asses of female coworkers is no longer acceptable does not mean that sexism is gone and women don't have legitimate reasons to fear for their safety around men. As unfortunate as it is for the majority of us men who don't engage in awful behavior, it's a lot worse for women who have to think "is this a guy who is going to murder me if I say 'no'?".
I'm look both ways before I cross the road and I've never been hit.
I have been subject to male shittiness (catcallling, groping, abuse and physical abuse when rejecting advances) and I still go about in the world but I will mitigate my risk by keeping myself as safe as possible (let friends know where I am, be on the phone, don't wander around in the dark dressing how I would choose) pulling out the fawn flight or fight when required.
If your reaction to "Men can be threatening to women." Is "Wow all men are murderers I guess we can't talk to them anymore thanks feminism." You're probably a little too emotional for internet access.
In my subjective experience, gender issues bring out the worst in Lemmy. There's a small but very obnoxious contingent out there ready to fight, even if they have to put words in your mouth to do it, like you've pointed out.
It's not all men are murderers, it's enough men are sexually violent that 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime and pretty much all women have a scary story. Yes, it's a minority of men, but when there's enough of them that you have a very real chance of being sexually assaulted at some point then it's going to be scary regardless because you don't know which ones it is.
Your reaction to that shouldn't be "oh it's only 20%, most women aren't raped and the rest need to suck it up because it was just a scary experience", it should be, "that's fucking terrifying, I should be understanding and helpful".
The vast majority of the time, saying no is enough. Also carry pepper spray, I do and I'm a guy with extremely good self defense skills, but I'd rather spray than fight some goofs trying to rob me.
These people just want to hate on anyone that doesn't say the approved words. It's an ignorant way to handle oneself and ones interactions, but here we are... reading into statements things never expressed.
The irony is how convinced they are in their enlightened superiority. At least, that's how it comes off to me.
I see mansplaining is alive and well on lemmy…but also the old ‘I’ve been trained’ but never in an actual fight.
All training does is give you options if, and only if you are the type who can go into fight response. It’s a chance. A gamble. Not an assured win.
psychos target people they feel are vulnerable. some even go after children and elderly or catch people unaware. that is their MO. And IF you are lucky enough to operate a can of spray you’d have to fight your freeze defence that affects the bulk amount of the population. Psychos know this. They lean into it.
Even with training you run a high possibility of flicking on a freeze response.There are trained people who have also froze when in an actual fight. And you won’t know this til you’re in it. It’s nothing like sparring.
You’d know this if you actually have done self defence training(any teacher worth their salt start the class with this exact lecture) and have been in a fight to determine which reflex you personally have. even then your specific situation doesn’t help the bulk of the population who freeze.
The best response is to always run as your first option. Every defence instructor will tell you this. Every defence instructor should tell you this.
It is not on women to ‘teach him boundaries’.
Everyone else’s job is to STAY SAFE.
That’s it.
They aren’t there to be a hero or teach men to behave.
stop giving the psycho a pass and stop holding women accountable for what other people do.
Women are very likely to be sexually harassed or assaulted at least once in their lifetime. If it were unlikely, calling it "fear mongering" would actually make at least a little sense.
I've been assaulted once and harassed multiple times, and most people wouldn't even consider me to be conventionally attractive. I know many women who have faced much worse than I, despite the fact that I'm kind of antisocial.
I don't need the news or a comic to tell me I'm in danger.
I'm not sure harassed and assaulted should be in the same sentence with regards to this subject. You may as well compare falling in water to drowning. Basically the same thing with your line of thinking.
You're "not sure" that harassment and... ASSAULT... aren't relevant enough to the subject of violence against women? lol k.
You think men who do that kind of shit aren't significantly more likely to kill us? Fuck, I'd love it if I could go through life being that ignorant and naive.
Yeah, fuck the media. Instead, you should try talking to the women close to you about their experiences turning men down. Some might have no issues and think nothing of it, some might have good reason to be calculating. Don't take it from me.
As a man, I will say the very nature of this "solution" is paradoxical. (TL;DR at the end)
As I'm sure you know, some women do hit on men, when they feel safe. For example when they're out with their girlfriends I've seen women turn into absolute horndogs, doing cat-calling, questionably appropriate touching, even in some cases full-on sexual harassment, the whole 9 yards.
Your statement begs the (fair) question: why don't women feel safe openly flirting like that all the time?
In general (i.e. when they're alone), women tend to be afraid to hit on men for the same reason as in this comic, it's just a little harder to grasp/explain.
Let me try: If a woman, alone, sees an attractive man, alone, and decides to "roll the dice" and hit on the man by herself, what are the possible outcomes?
he could be nice, flirt back, and she'll end up liking him and they'll go on a date
he could be nice, flirt back but she might still decide she's not interested and try to say goodbye
(less likely, but still happens) he could give off weird/creepy vibes, and when she tries to walk away, he could try to hurt her or take advantage of her
What you have to understand is that for the woman, Outcome #2 is almost equally scary as Outcome #3. Because women know that regardless of whether they're a creep or the nicest guy ever, a lot of men don't handle rejection well.
I'm not saying you would do this, but ask yourself this: how would most men react if a woman comes up to flirt with them & she changes her mind half way through the conversation & decides to leave? Will most men be okay with it and move on? Or will they take it personally in some way and feel mistreated or get upset with the woman for "leading them on for no reason"?
I have to say, as a man who has interacted with lots of men from lots of cultures, most men, including myself at times, do not handle rejection in a healthy way (even though I've never lashed out at a woman for rejecting me, I've put women in uncomfortable situations out of the fear of rejection).
That is what more men, I feel, need to recognize in themselves, in order for any of this to get better. It's not about normalizing women flirting with men. It's about normalizing men responding to rejection with grace and humility. The attitude of "ah well, better luck next time!" would be so much healthier than the immediate victim mentality most men assume, which is "what did I do to deserve that rejection?". And that is why women have such a hard time feeling safe doing any of that stuff.
TL;DR in order to normalize women flirting with men, women need to feel safe doing so, which will only happen if men can normalize handling rejection in healthy ways.
I’m not saying you would do this, but ask yourself this: how would most men react if a woman comes up to flirt with them & she changes her mind half way through the conversation & decides to leave? Will most men be okay with it and move on? Or will they take it personally in some way and feel mistreated or get upset with the woman for “leading them on for no reason”?
Though this would probably solve itself if women hit on men as much as the opposite. Men feel mistreated in that situation because they “got their hopes up” and then dipped. If that wasn’t a rare occurrence and they had women hitting on them, say, once a month, one rejection wouldn’t hurt as much.
This is all just theory of course, it’s such a huge societal change that I don’t think anyone can reliably predict the outcomes.
“Normalize women hitting on men” isn’t putting the responsibility on women. The opposite actually, most of the times it’s men who berate women for being “sluts” and whatnot. Society as a whole needs to normalize that, not just women.
... and where do you suppose those women learned that behavior?
Such judgments have been written, by men, into practically every religious, historical and news-based text for the greater part of the last thousand years, and passed down as dogma to men, women and children alike under penalty of ostricization or in some cases, death.
Brainwashing is not exclusive to one gender. And while inter-gender discrimination is not as well documented as inter-racial discrimination, both have existed as long as oppressors have made it their goal to weaken the oppressed by sewing division among them.
Please, try reading some history before you go on the internet spouting harmful opinions.
Did I say literally anything that would contradict your last comment? I know that, and I agree. That doesn’t change what I said.
You’re coming off as really aggressive for reasons I don’t understand. If suggesting women aren’t completely guiltless is a “harmful opinion” I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m not even playing devil’s advocate for anyone, I just wanted to add why, in fact, the normalization of women hitting on men could be a solution to the problem.
I’m not advocating for anything, because if you ask me “ok but how do we do that” I’d have no answer. Societal change is a hard thing to do and you can’t “normalize” something through sheer effort.
It was just a hypothetical for a what-if scenario, you’re the one who interpreted it as me putting the responsibility on women. I know a woman can’t just go “ok I’m gonna start hitting on men” in today’s society and expect things to go well, it was just a theory about what would happen if we lived in a society where that was already the norm.
this would probably solve itself if women hit on men as much as the opposite.
Also you:
you’re the one who interpreted it as me putting the responsibility on women.
Okay dude. Whatever you say.
And yes, societal change is hard, but just because you can't think of any solutions, doesn't mean they don't exist. FWIW, there are plenty of practical ways to normalize behavior at the societal scale, some of the more violent & historically successful ones having already been mentioned earlier in this conversation.
One of the most powerful (non-violent) examples that comes to mind: popular film.
That was assuming it was already normalized. I didn’t mean it as “women should start hitting on men in the current society”. I said in that exact comment that it was just a theory.
And if movies worked it would’ve already been normalized. I definitely remember more women than men flirting in movies I’ve seen. But it’s different there because they usually hit on the main character, and most of the times men complaining about that aren’t the ones getting hit on. They’re the jealous ones that wish it happened to them.
(Just to be clear, yes, movies can work in normalizing stuff, just not on this specific topic imo.)
We're going in circles now. I already asked you what's the point of considering such a hypothetical theory (which you admitted isn't practical) other than to distract from the real issue?
Idk what to tell you about film other than... anyone can make a film about anything.
The only thing stopping men from writing (or approving) more film scripts, books and other art about this very topic... is simply the lack of effort.
Every other comment chain in the thread is talking about “the real issue”. This one’s top comment was about normalizing women hitting on men, and I just wanted to chime in about that. It’s not like one chain talking about a different take invalidates every other discussion in here.
There are plenty, if not most, good and decent men out there who are respectful and treat not only women well but everyone around them. but they dont end up in the news or even being mentioned. They dont get talked about or even remembered.
Sure some men are terrible but IMO and experience, i wouldn't blame it on their gender. Its more a personality thing
It could be the clickbait title yes! But I feel there's more to it than that. It's also about who is more visible and who gets talked about the most as well as dis-respectfulness being a personality trade instead of a gender characteristic
Go talk to a woman, any woman. And believe what they tell you. Don't explain to them that they're just manipulated by the media. Listen to their actual personal experience. Then ask another woman. See if you find a pattern. It won't be their tv viewing, I promise you that.
... I'm a woman. I've been raped, assaulted, groped, stalked, kerb-crawled, cat-called and intimidated. The majority of my female friends can tick off at least one of the above. As can their friends. And their mothers. And their sisters.
I am sure and I am trully sorry that you've been through it all! I'd be scared if I were you too. It doesn't make it normal though.
If so many of your remediate network have been through the same, you must be living in a terrible place. The majority of females that I have discussed similar issues with have been based in either northern European countries or Mediterranean. What you describe would be extremes to mostly all the women that i have talked with
We're not females, mate, we're women. And it's not isolated to any country or socio-economic group.
These aren't extremes. They're the lived existence of most women. Like I said, that's a list that most women can identify an instance of that they've experienced.
Your word choice and tone make me think that you aren't a person any woman readily or candidly confides in.
Rape, assault, groping, what have you - that happens everywhere. It's not just a bleak story of post-USSR landscapes and people being carted into trucks; it's ordinary people. Pele with families, with white collar jobs. Suburbs and night clubs. Country roads and city alleys.
I'm not a broken shell of a person. I'm a woman in my late 30s who has experienced trauma at the hands of men I trusted, and from complete strangers. I'm a high income earner, I'm privileged. But every woman I know has experienced something on that list.
Listen to women. Wherever they are, whatever they look like.
Stop telling us. We don't need to be told anything.
You're missing the point that it isn't living in a terrible place. It's living in any place. It's the normal, baseline experience of most women. The Mediterranean is one of the worst.
Women don't talk to you about it because it's normal to them.
The thesis of this comic is "women have reasons to be afraid of some men". Responding to that with "not all men are bad" is a straw man, it's responding to an argument that nobody actually made.
Are you being deliberately obtuse? The 'not all men' cry is the same as 'all lives matter'. It's deliberately ignoring the circumstances behind the phrase. Don't be so silly.
Okay. The vast majority of men will not attack you for rejecting their advances. The news loves to cherry pick things that scare people and make them angry, because it increases viewership.
What's the alternative? Men should never speak to women?
Oh shit mate, thanks for telling me that! Phew! I mean, I don't watch the news, but my experience as a woman and all women I know is at least one extremely negative interaction with a man. Where we were legitimately in danger. But now I know it was all in my head, thanks!
Sure, a majority of men are respectful. But when it's a game of odds of being verbally berated or worse for declining some random guys advances I would sure as fuck not trust a random man coming up to me either.
But then you expect a terrible reaction from every guy. As you say, it's a game of odds. I am sure that there are bad guys out there, but expecting every guy to be bad, or preparing for everyone to be bad, is just as discriminating as men expecting all women to be willing to date them.
It's not expecting a terrible reaction from everyone, just acknowledging that there's a slim chance of life-ending consequences. It's not discriminatory against vehicles to avoid tailgating because of a one in ten thousand chance that they'll brake too suddenly for you to react and you'll crash, so it's not reasonable to demand women to be happy putting themselves in a situation where they've got a comparable chance of getting stabbed by a nutter.
It's by no means all men's fault that there are nutters who'll stab women for rejecting them, but they are real, and are much more common than women who'll stab men for rejecting them (not least because of women being less likely to hit on men they don't know in the first place). The problem makes the world worse for everyone, but denying it or saying we should pretend it's not real because it would be sexist still leaves women with a disproportionate and quantifiable actual risk of death, which is a much worse consequence than having to only hit on women in environments they feel safe.
Its just often that you find what you expect and meeting strangers expecting or rather fearing that you'll get stabbed may often lead to other social complications.
Normal situation awareness is very good to have and acknowledging that there are risks in any actions is the best approach to any interaction.
The question is how much weight you add to them. Tailgating is risky yes. So is driving, flying, traveling to foreign countries, changing career, investing money.
My point is not to ignore the risks, but to not let the fear dictate expectations. You are probably right about chances of a guy stabbing a woman are higher than a woman stabbing a man, due to rejection. But what are the chances of being stabbed altogether? People get rejected all the time. Most get sad. Some get angry. Some maybe very angry. But fearing for ones life because of it feels a bit overrated
The risks to driving, flying, etc. aren't actively hunting you out. Nor are they trying to trick you into thinking they aren't a risk. There's a difference.
It's like riding a motorcycle. Most people are reasonably careful, look before they change lanes, keep a decent following distance so they can react in time, aren't looking at their phone, etc. But even when it's a small minority of drivers that aren't paying attention, you still have to treat everyone as potentially one of those, because one of those can fucking end you, and you can't tell the difference until it's too late.
I wonder if how bad they are at come ons is actually a factor. A normal guy approaching in a socially acceptable fashion actually gets some yes and eventually goes off the market temporarily or permanently whereas psycho joe presumably is always offending always failing.
People forget that nobody makes true crime podcasts about a guy who took rejection like a normal person.
That doesn't make the crazy people not a problem, but obsessing on what you read online will give you a skewed view of what people in general are like.
Completely agree with you, I've met some amazing men before! The comic really drives home the fact though that the small amount of bad and violent men out there are why women have to always be at least a little on guard to protect ourselves when men approach us. And yes, no doubt there are bad and violent women out there too
Well I’d hope these good people that you know would not be personalizing and taking away from the point.
One good person doesn’t undo another horrible person’s business. It is news because it’s about the victims in a situation. Let it be about them and not about some fragile guy feeling ‘personally attacked’ over what some other guy did. That’s feeding on someone else’s tragedy and making it about what it isn’t.
I am sorry if this sounds like I got offended or hurt by this. I personally am not involved in this at all. I've been in the same relationship for 15 years and not in 'the game'.
I'm just discussing it on neutral grounds and out of interest.
What we haven't even mentioned are the cultural differences between countries. Some places are more dangerous than others
Since you seem to be surprised people got offended or hurt, I will try to decode this interaction for you. Based on seeing essentially this discussion online over and over again.
I mean my take on this is the original post is essentially saying :
"Please be understanding of women turning you down in less than ideal ways (ie: Ghosting, etc.), they are afraid for their safety because they keep hearing stories of violence from men angry that women did not do what they wanted them to do. "
Then you essentially say :
"There are many good men too". It's also very easy to read into what you say "And we should be talking about how they don't get talked about or remembered" even if you didn't mean to say it that way
This is besides the point. It indicates that you either did not decode the original message right or lack empathy for the situation. I mean, it's very likely the first, but the second is why people can get angry at a reaction like this. If you want to start a discussion on a different topic, why does it need to be in this thread?
What we haven’t even mentioned
There are a LOT of things we haven't mentioned. I don't understand why you feel the need to change the topic a second time in a thread asking for empathy.
Thanks for trying but I am afraid that I am indeed what you believe i am being misunderstood for.
We hear of fatal car crashes all the time but people still drive cars.
Its good to be carefull but it is dangerous to be scared.
Also, my point about local differences is not an attempt to change topics. I can often forget my carkeys in the car and go to sleep without locking my front door because it is a mostly safe country. Maybe some of the women being most vocal about this issue live in areas where men indeed are more dangerous than the average man.
Lastly, I am not trying to ask for sympathy. I am simply discussing the subject. I let people do what they feel is right for themselves while trying to explain why it does not sound logical to me.
Shit is scary out there. Had a situation recently that definitely reinforced how spooky it is being a woman in public.
So I'm chilling with the crew at a bar, came out to catch a homie mixing originals. One of our friends is a cutie. She's with 3 of us fellas. We're in a booth, very obviously a group that came here together. One of the regulars kicks it with us for a bit, harmless banter, classic bar chat shit.
He ends up chilling for a while. We're cracking jokes & having fun, he says his dude owns the bar, etc. He gets a bit flirty (again, felt fully harmless at the time), goes to fetch us a round of brew. She only wanted a water by this stage in the night. When she finally gets around to taking a small sip all her internal alarm bells go off, thinks sum'm tastes off.
We manage to pick up the vibe and dip before anything extra sketch went down and had a lil debrief, made sure everyone was ok etc... One of my dudes had also taken a decent gulp first and seemingly got pretty woozy off it. Now, I can't for sure confirm whether it was truly laced or just shitty dirty bar hose water and a mild panic attack. Can't say whether homie was chemically woozy or placebo woozy (very well could've been tired from long day and lots of brew + dancing), but either way, enough to be a scary situation! We're like 95% sure shit was sketchy.
Absolutely worth trusting the gut when you get an off feeling. Better safe than sorry, all that. As a dude, I've NEVER needed to think twice about a gift beverage at a bar. I circle lots of music scenes and almost every single time I'm out I'll catch a random free drink, smoke, lol candy or whatever off a stranger randomly offering. I've definitely asked to confirm what these gifts are, but generally felt safe enough to take their answers at face value.
Ladies DEFINITELY can't be as cavalier about gifts from strangers though... That's how they end up the subject of these crime podcasts.
Idk, felt like a relevant story to share.
Stay safe, stay frosty, y'all ❤️ Good weekends all around!
I know it shouldn't need to be said, but as a woman, THANK YOU! Thank you so so much for being a safe haven with actual conscious awareness of the dangers women face. We need more men that will stand up to the stupid Alpha Bros and stop shit before we are in serious trouble!
One thing that might help you help the ladies in your life is coming up with a code phrase that lets her tell you she doesn't feel safe in a situation that requires discretion. Ex: "Janice texted me" (with a name yall never use). My fiance and I have a code phrase, and I've had to use it twice. It feels good knowing I have an out no matter what when things start feeling sketchy.
Juuust when you forget how dark the world is for a moment, someone gotta shake your faith in humanity all over again. No thanks necessary, of course, but appreciate ya all the same! 🤙 Even on a goofy night, squad ends up safe at home, every time.
Oh yeah! We IMMEDIATELY began talking about safe words/phrases, like, while we were processing wtf just happened. Smart move having something extra inconspicuous like that! Definitely better than whatever dumbass tropical fruit phrase we semi joked about at the time. 😂😬 (Lol fuck, vaguely recall a phrase about needing to take a nasty shit, uff).
Will for sure be on German Shepard Mode next time we catch a night out. Gonna be hard to turn that off for a minute...
Oh wow. Memory unlocked. We used to have a code word for "get me out of this interaction". The amount of times I've been the one to break off a conversation/situation with a man on behalf of my friends and the amount of time the interaction has been scary.
Growing up as a man, I was told that I should be 'alpha', I should be a predator and girls like only such guys. I tried to question this, but I was surrounded by all this. Hell, even when I reached my mom on such a topic, she just stopped the conversation.
Your post made me recall several situations where I made young women uncomfortable. Hell, I used to be such a dumbass.
Yeah dude, all that pick up artist shit is pretty toxic and counter productive imho. Especially these incel influencers talking about "deserving" goddamn anything. Like, being a "good guy" for a minute doesn't mean you deserve a sex treat, you dirty dogs! 😒
Now, I've thankfully been committed in a ship for a while now so can't speak to modern dating scene (fuck it looks bleak for lads in them middle thirties), but I always leaned on my funny bones more than anything back when I was making moves. That and, now this is pretty obvious, just treating women like regular people -- cause they are! (Duh).
I never tried too hard to "have game." I've just been a perpetually evolving amalgamation of shit I find cool. If you're just naturally comfortable and confident in your skin, and visibly having the most fun in the room it's way more attractive than trying too hard. Desperation reeks. Least that's my take.
Of course the rules are a smidge different when you're 11/10 fine as helllll 🤣 I've seen the chat game on them Chads and it gets reckless lmao
Good on ya for the introspective reflection though, truly! Not necessarily a bad thing to cringe at past you; that means you're growing and improving.
